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Just Hanging

by Ryan Chapin Mach

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1.
When I wake up I will be better When I wake up I'll run, I'll Change all my beliefs again, Tell myself who to be and then These new mistakes won't matter, I will be better When I wake up I'll understand you When I wake up, were done, I'll Kiss you in your parents' bed and Tell you that we can't be friends, My edges won't be sanded I'll understand you I kept poetic record of when we met Now I think I'm predicting my death. I dreamt I was frightened by the sound of our breath So you left When I wake up I will be different When I wake up, unstuck as Ashes in the changing seas, Committed to the birds and bees You'll find me cold and distant, I will be different When I wake up I'll have my answer When I wake up I'll come up Fighting on my only feet, Shouting lies and spitting teeth Then dumbly succumb to this cancer I'll have my answer I kept poetic record of when we met Now I think I'm predicting my death. I dreamt I was frightened by the sound of our breath So you left Shuffling the playing cards - half empty deck Suffering is praying for some respect Which one of us will last? Who doesn't love who back?
2.
So Smart 03:50
Dreaming through days, the sky is overcast and a real backstabber of a photograph graces the bed frame. Do nothing, I do nothing, I'm so smart that way I start to laugh, to act uncomfortable, my wine-drunk kindness isn't wonderful, so I gave it a pen name. Don't like you, but I try to, I'm so smart that way P.S.: I know it's all in my head P.S.: I know it's all in my head I'm writing friends, dead-ends, and (as always) lazily sashaying through the hallways with a Buzz Lightyear backpack. I'm funny and make no money, I'm so smart like that. Nothing really matters between being plastered, my laugh's the last word. Life's such a hassle and I'm such an asshole, I'm just an asshole.
3.
Land 04:19
There are books beside my bed stand There's a hole in these four walls I call my room There are signs here of a struggle Against a slow and not impending doom I am piercing skin and drywall, They are only tiny pieces of shells And now all these little continents to me Are tiny pieces of hell Things used to be swell There were pet names I had But they all ran away There were friends that I made But I changed all their names Now please understand and let go of my hand: I am leaving you, land, I'm in love with the sea This is me being romantic, I am used to bending reeds upon a stage But if all of Don Juan sounds like one Long Bob Dylan song, then that's okay Oh, the thing about Virginia is there's a Total lack of hope or fear So I am moving to California with the hope That it will sink next year There were pet names I had But they all ran away There were friends that I made But I changed all their names Now please understand and let go of my hand: I am leaving you, land, I'm in love with the sea Though love will tear you up I don't think land-locked love's enough I wear my heart on my knees, It isn't the season for sleeves And I don't kneel to anyone There were pet names I had But they all ran away There were friends that I made But I changed all their names Now please understand and let go of my hand: I am leaving you, land, I'm in love with the sea
4.
Nose Up 03:19
All we want is for you to stop feeling guilty Don't make a home out of your head All we want is for you to find a tendon Or a ligament for the foot of your bed All we want is for you to stop feeling guilty Turning over unsettled scores All we wonder is why you stopped feeling Worthy of speaking for yourself anymore All we want is for you to take inventory, Take stock of your bodily parts All we want is for you to remember Where you found a spine but lost your heart All we want is for you to stop scaring people Laughing-out-way-too-loud All we want is for you to stop trying, Cause the trying part is what's bringing us down Slow up - don't teach me how to grow up How can you see with your nose up that I'm even around? All we want is for you stop feeling guilty Convicted by the songs you sang All we ever call you for anymore Is to make sure you're not trying to hang All we want is for you to stop feeling guilty Pretending you've got something to hide All we want is to shove you full of love cause you're Pretending that you're empty inside Slow up - don't teach me how to grow up How can you see with your nose up that I'm even around?
5.
Don't start to think that you're too big to let me breathe I already stole this scene, got its soul for keeps, Its body's old and weak, when I leave you, Know you never deserved me
6.
I work to keep my place in line I dream about my passport being denied Oh, nightmares keep us bottled up inside I let them keep me silent, not a second time I live to say "this thing's to do," Hoarding tiny trappings of my youth I'll soon conclude some adolescent truth I'll die some summer day with barely any proof When these loud plots and plans just can't ring true I'll still be glad I had this goddamned youth Sleep to keep myself from bed Walk to stop myself from falling off the edge Write and type to make room in my head Drink to think of what I'd rather do instead Peel my eyes for a place to stop Make this scribbling someone else's job I can't keep standing up for every thought To blindly change my mind every time I cough When these loud plots and plans just can't ring true I'll still be glad I had this goddamned youth
7.
http://jacquelinelucile.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/alternatives-and-errors/
8.
Ghost 02:14
You're a ghost You follow me everywhere I go And I can't speak for you, I know But I feel like I can feel you in my throat And I can't speak to you right now, I can feel that in the corners of my mouth Which just can't lift my sullen lips I'm sorry for tooth decay And whatever God took our future away I apologize, I'm so ashamed Of this barely moving body that keeps getting in the way You're a ghost I see you almost everywhere I go Now every pretty woman wears your coat They want me to pretend that I don't know That your love is just a song stuck in my head. Though shaking people's hands makes me feel dead I'm still so young under your thumb I'm sorry for tooth decay And whatever God took our future away I apologize, I'm so ashamed Of this barely moving body that keeps getting in the way
9.
Have a decent time, I swear I will Hardly decent lines I swear by still You're heavy on my mind, why, I don't know I'm petty as my crimes, I'm saying it's so Alright to leave me You don't have to believe me A four-letter word is fair when you're told the truth Nothing's been fair since I found out about you Vengeance isn't mine, it's bought and sold The price of peace of mind is youth kept cold I wanted not to try, to simply find your soul Now each pathetic lie hides my control It's so alright to leave me You don't have to believe me A four-letter word is fair when you're told the truth Nothing's been fair since I found out about you There are dreams I've wrapped around your thighs You won't come back to me, I'm dreaming, don't you lie It's so alright to leave me You don't have to believe me A four-letter word is fair when you're told the truth Nothing's been fair since I found out about you
10.
Thanks for writing me when I was ill I've got no paper, but I swear I will Thanks for being kind and saying those things I can't tell you how much they still mean All that love and time it takes to be a friend of mine - I no longer need to know why you'd go Thanks for laughing when I talked my way I said a lot that wasn't much to say Thanks for nothing, cause I needed that, too So many somethings that are nice but just not true All that love and time it takes to be a friend of mine - I no longer need to know why you'd go Things seemed so colossal in that spring I barely blossomed it's true The way some people act - they never put things on their backs The way I do All that love and time it takes to be a friend of mine - I no longer need to know why you'd go
11.
Advertising 03:40
Spit back facts in the form of unremitting tactless acts I'm packed with laxatives, full of shit but committed to living The happiest accidents, I get a pass for it Since my dad was in advertising I've been a wise guy given to whining Now I'm shining, or at least polishing an untruth I might be a goofy kid on the stoop, Never the teammate you'd honestly choose But I'm a serious man on the stage Acting the part, if not acting my age Yeah there's always something to write But never enough to say I wrote a lot of songs last summer, I should have known That I'd be pacing, lamely pasted to my home Chaste and irritated waiting by the phone Now it's awful long, what a bummer to move so slow It almost hurts to discover that maybe I don't mind being alone I've been called a narcissist: if any exist, Take a look at all these photos that make up my thicker skin Take a look at how I fit in, take a look at the life that I live And the shit that you give, life's hard enough as people with nothing to give, so give in I set my stakes in shallow waters, so much water we have lost Modern waters make 'em seem taller, Don't bother me, please, about our modern disease, I won't pretend to be deep, piss in the digital breeze I wrote a lot of songs last summer, I should have known That I'd be pacing, lamely pasted to my home Chaste and irritated waiting by the phone Now it's awful long, what a bummer to move so slow It almost hurts to discover that maybe I don't mind being alone So much of this act Is centered on my back Stacks on top of stacks of me So much of this act is happiness, in fact, all I've ever lacked was peace But now that I'm alone I wrote a lot of songs last summer, I should have known That I'd be pacing, lamely pasted to my home Chaste and irritated waiting by the phone Now it's awful long, what a bummer to move so slow It almost hurts to discover that maybe I don't mind being alone
12.
Sitting in a graveyard, feelin' oh-so-sorry for myself, Almost as sorry as we felt that night What an anomaly, sitting wallowing in a haze of no apologies, Our faces such a violent sight I gave my love away, and what a cut it really takes to make me See my mistakes, to make me see my own face in the darkest place We passed each other in the dark of night Carrying notes with different times, and now we can't see eye to eye, What have I done? Taking things for granted, I forgot my only friend And now I've lost her again, I would've rather lost my mind When I'm empty-handed, oh, my back gets bent You see me drag clenched fists, they're heavier with nothing inside I can't be me when you leave, when you leave, when you Leave me you can't see me, you just see my mistakes You only see my face in the darkest place We gave each other light but never gave a place and time Now there's no light for me to find, only a place where something Died My love gave me a grave, and I can't push the grave away But I tried to shove it anyway and my love got in the way And now I've gone to waste, there's a place inside my mind Where I can lose my sense of time, I spend it staring at a grave that should be mine, What have I done?
13.
You can play what you like, it doesn't matter Just say what you write - working nine to five for your wife means Playing the actor If it's alright with you, cause there's nothing better, better, better That I can imagine or do You can live how you like, it doesn't matter You can spend all your time, keep the kids in sight, Out of mind on our American pastures The TVs so bright, that screen Blowin' up the faces of the Presidents only talking to me She likes short meals and fast cars He likes to play cool and act smart It's an unfortunate setting, It's a bad American wedding Could you turn down those lights? Could it be any louder? Could you clean up those lines? *Pointing to the ounce of white powder on the bathroom counter* Tell the help to find my keys Cause there's nothing better, better, better to do than dry in the breeze How are you, take my wife cause I can't afford her No longer a dime, but if you've got my money on your mind, She's about three quarters That damn kid of mine can't sleep He's blowin' up his face and waiting patiently, praying for life on TV She likes Republican mascots, He likes bad deals with half-hearts It's an unfortunate setting, It's a bad American wedding
14.
Everybody's disappointed, everybody's mad The world just turns and slowly burns, we never had a chance I forfeit looks at history books, the ending's always sad That everybody's disappointed, everybody's mad Everybody's so imperfect, everybody's trying We're so, so nice and always right and mostly made of lies We toss and turn but never learn the art of slowly dying Oh, but everybody's so imperfect, everybody's trying A throat full of lies keeps me swinging from heights, A good voice will get you through But my voice snaps in time like bad elevator lines, What the hell am I supposed to do? Everybody's disappointed, everybody's mad I state my fears and push to tears when all I want are laughs If this life's to shake for what we make then you can have it back Cause everybody's disappointed, everybody's mad credits

credits

released December 2, 2012

Sarah Slichter - Violin on When I Wake Up
Edek Sher - Trumpet on Advertising
Remy Bernstein - Saxophone on Thanks For Writing
Peter Falls - Album cover

Thanks to Ethan, Peter, Ellie, Sam, Sam, Steve, Lena, the Pharmacy, Lucy, Remy, Edek, Carmen, Andrew, Win, WKCO, Hunter, Aidan, Riley, Max, Mom n' Dad, Brooke, Evan, Alex, Bennett, Dan, Jack, and the Peeps of Kenyon.

For my friend, Eliza.

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Ryan Chapin Mach Gambier, Ohio

Bitterness is different, it's hit or miss with listeners, so I limit the risk with that symptomatic distance.

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