Just Hanging

by Ryan Chapin Mach

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credits

released December 2, 2012

Sarah Slichter - Violin on When I Wake Up
Edek Sher - Trumpet on Advertising
Remy Bernstein - Saxophone on Thanks For Writing
Peter Falls - Album cover

Thanks to Ethan, Peter, Ellie, Sam, Sam, Steve, Lena, the Pharmacy, Lucy, Remy, Edek, Carmen, Andrew, Win, WKCO, Hunter, Aidan, Riley, Max, Mom n' Dad, Brooke, Evan, Alex, Bennett, Dan, Jack, and the Peeps of Kenyon.

For my friend, Eliza.

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about

Ryan Chapin Mach Gambier, Ohio

Bitterness is different, it's hit or miss with listeners, so I limit the risk with that symptomatic distance.

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Track Name: When I Wake Up
When I wake up I will be better
When I wake up I'll run, I'll
Change all my beliefs again,
Tell myself who to be and then
These new mistakes won't matter, I will be better

When I wake up I'll understand you
When I wake up, were done, I'll
Kiss you in your parents' bed and
Tell you that we can't be friends,
My edges won't be sanded
I'll understand you

I kept poetic record of when we met
Now I think I'm predicting my death.
I dreamt I was frightened by the sound of our breath
So you left

When I wake up I will be different
When I wake up, unstuck as
Ashes in the changing seas,
Committed to the birds and bees
You'll find me cold and distant,
I will be different

When I wake up I'll have my answer
When I wake up I'll come up
Fighting on my only feet,
Shouting lies and spitting teeth
Then dumbly succumb to this cancer
I'll have my answer

I kept poetic record of when we met
Now I think I'm predicting my death.
I dreamt I was frightened by the sound of our breath
So you left

Shuffling the playing cards - half empty deck
Suffering is praying for some respect
Which one of us will last?
Who doesn't love who back?
Track Name: So Smart
Dreaming through days, the sky is overcast and a real backstabber of a photograph graces the bed frame.
Do nothing, I do nothing, I'm so smart that way

I start to laugh, to act uncomfortable, my wine-drunk kindness isn't wonderful, so I gave it a pen name.
Don't like you, but I try to, I'm so smart that way

P.S.: I know it's all in my head
P.S.: I know it's all in my head

I'm writing friends, dead-ends, and (as always) lazily sashaying through the hallways with a Buzz Lightyear backpack. I'm funny and make no money, I'm so smart like that.

Nothing really matters between being plastered, my laugh's the last word.
Life's such a hassle and I'm such an asshole, I'm just an asshole.
Track Name: Land
There are books beside my bed stand
There's a hole in these four walls I call my room
There are signs here of a struggle
Against a slow and not impending doom

I am piercing skin and drywall,
They are only tiny pieces of shells
And now all these little continents to me
Are tiny pieces of hell
Things used to be swell

There were pet names I had
But they all ran away
There were friends that I made
But I changed all their names
Now please understand and let go of my hand:
I am leaving you, land, I'm in love with the sea

This is me being romantic,
I am used to bending reeds upon a stage
But if all of Don Juan sounds like one
Long Bob Dylan song, then that's okay

Oh, the thing about Virginia is there's a
Total lack of hope or fear
So I am moving to California with the hope
That it will sink next year

There were pet names I had
But they all ran away
There were friends that I made
But I changed all their names
Now please understand and let go of my hand:
I am leaving you, land, I'm in love with the sea

Though love will tear you up
I don't think land-locked love's enough
I wear my heart on my knees,
It isn't the season for sleeves
And I don't kneel to anyone

There were pet names I had
But they all ran away
There were friends that I made
But I changed all their names
Now please understand and let go of my hand:
I am leaving you, land, I'm in love with the sea
Track Name: Nose Up
All we want is for you to stop feeling guilty
Don't make a home out of your head
All we want is for you to find a tendon
Or a ligament for the foot of your bed

All we want is for you to stop feeling guilty
Turning over unsettled scores
All we wonder is why you stopped feeling
Worthy of speaking for yourself anymore

All we want is for you to take inventory,
Take stock of your bodily parts
All we want is for you to remember
Where you found a spine but lost your heart

All we want is for you to stop scaring people
Laughing-out-way-too-loud
All we want is for you to stop trying,
Cause the trying part is what's bringing us down

Slow up - don't teach me how to grow up
How can you see with your nose up that I'm even around?

All we want is for you stop feeling guilty
Convicted by the songs you sang
All we ever call you for anymore
Is to make sure you're not trying to hang

All we want is for you to stop feeling guilty
Pretending you've got something to hide
All we want is to shove you full of love cause you're
Pretending that you're empty inside

Slow up - don't teach me how to grow up
How can you see with your nose up that I'm even around?
Track Name: Stolen Scene (feat. Andrew Dunham)
Don't start to think that you're too big to let me breathe
I already stole this scene, got its soul for keeps,
Its body's old and weak, when I leave you,
Know you never deserved me
Track Name: Not a Second Time
I work to keep my place in line
I dream about my passport being denied
Oh, nightmares keep us bottled up inside
I let them keep me silent, not a second time

I live to say "this thing's to do,"
Hoarding tiny trappings of my youth
I'll soon conclude some adolescent truth
I'll die some summer day with barely any proof

When these loud plots and plans just can't ring true
I'll still be glad I had this goddamned youth

Sleep to keep myself from bed
Walk to stop myself from falling off the edge
Write and type to make room in my head
Drink to think of what I'd rather do instead

Peel my eyes for a place to stop
Make this scribbling someone else's job
I can't keep standing up for every thought
To blindly change my mind every time I cough

When these loud plots and plans just can't ring true
I'll still be glad I had this goddamned youth
Track Name: Alternatives and Errors by Lucy Tiven (Interlude)
http://jacquelinelucile.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/alternatives-and-errors/
Track Name: Ghost
You're a ghost
You follow me everywhere I go
And I can't speak for you, I know
But I feel like I can feel you in my throat

And I can't speak to you right now,
I can feel that in the corners of my mouth
Which just can't lift my sullen lips

I'm sorry for tooth decay
And whatever God took our future away
I apologize, I'm so ashamed
Of this barely moving body that keeps getting in the way

You're a ghost
I see you almost everywhere I go
Now every pretty woman wears your coat
They want me to pretend that I don't know

That your love is just a song stuck in my head.
Though shaking people's hands makes me feel dead
I'm still so young under your thumb

I'm sorry for tooth decay
And whatever God took our future away
I apologize, I'm so ashamed
Of this barely moving body that keeps getting in the way
Track Name: Four-Letter Word
Have a decent time, I swear I will
Hardly decent lines I swear by still
You're heavy on my mind, why, I don't know
I'm petty as my crimes, I'm saying it's so

Alright to leave me
You don't have to believe me
A four-letter word is fair when you're told the truth
Nothing's been fair since I found out about you

Vengeance isn't mine, it's bought and sold
The price of peace of mind is youth kept cold
I wanted not to try, to simply find your soul
Now each pathetic lie hides my control

It's so alright to leave me
You don't have to believe me
A four-letter word is fair when you're told the truth
Nothing's been fair since I found out about you

There are dreams I've wrapped around your thighs
You won't come back to me, I'm dreaming, don't you lie

It's so alright to leave me
You don't have to believe me
A four-letter word is fair when you're told the truth
Nothing's been fair since I found out about you
Track Name: Thanks for Writing (feat. Remy Bernstein)
Thanks for writing me when I was ill
I've got no paper, but I swear I will
Thanks for being kind and saying those things
I can't tell you how much they still mean

All that love and time it takes to be a friend of mine -
I no longer need to know why you'd go

Thanks for laughing when I talked my way
I said a lot that wasn't much to say
Thanks for nothing, cause I needed that, too
So many somethings that are nice but just not true

All that love and time it takes to be a friend of mine -
I no longer need to know why you'd go

Things seemed so colossal in that spring I barely blossomed it's true
The way some people act - they never put things on their backs
The way I do

All that love and time it takes to be a friend of mine -
I no longer need to know why you'd go
Track Name: Advertising
Spit back facts in the form of unremitting tactless acts
I'm packed with laxatives, full of shit but committed to living
The happiest accidents, I get a pass for it
Since my dad was in advertising I've been a wise guy given to whining
Now I'm shining, or at least polishing an untruth
I might be a goofy kid on the stoop,
Never the teammate you'd honestly choose
But I'm a serious man on the stage
Acting the part, if not acting my age
Yeah there's always something to write
But never enough to say

I wrote a lot of songs last summer, I should have known
That I'd be pacing, lamely pasted to my home
Chaste and irritated waiting by the phone
Now it's awful long, what a bummer to move so slow
It almost hurts to discover that maybe I don't mind being alone

I've been called a narcissist: if any exist,
Take a look at all these photos that make up my thicker skin
Take a look at how I fit in, take a look at the life that I live
And the shit that you give, life's hard enough as people with nothing to give, so give in
I set my stakes in shallow waters, so much water we have lost
Modern waters make 'em seem taller,
Don't bother me, please, about our modern disease,
I won't pretend to be deep, piss in the digital breeze

I wrote a lot of songs last summer, I should have known
That I'd be pacing, lamely pasted to my home
Chaste and irritated waiting by the phone
Now it's awful long, what a bummer to move so slow
It almost hurts to discover that maybe I don't mind being alone

So much of this act
Is centered on my back
Stacks on top of stacks of me
So much of this act is happiness, in fact, all I've ever lacked was peace
But now that I'm alone

I wrote a lot of songs last summer, I should have known
That I'd be pacing, lamely pasted to my home
Chaste and irritated waiting by the phone
Now it's awful long, what a bummer to move so slow
It almost hurts to discover that maybe I don't mind being alone
Track Name: What Have I Done
Sitting in a graveyard, feelin' oh-so-sorry for myself,
Almost as sorry as we felt that night
What an anomaly, sitting wallowing in a haze of no apologies,
Our faces such a violent sight

I gave my love away, and what a cut it really takes to make me
See my mistakes, to make me see my own face in the darkest place
We passed each other in the dark of night
Carrying notes with different times, and now we can't see eye to eye,
What have I done?

Taking things for granted, I forgot my only friend
And now I've lost her again, I would've rather lost my mind
When I'm empty-handed, oh, my back gets bent
You see me drag clenched fists, they're heavier with nothing inside

I can't be me when you leave, when you leave, when you
Leave me you can't see me, you just see my mistakes
You only see my face in the darkest place
We gave each other light but never gave a place and time
Now there's no light for me to find, only a place where something
Died

My love gave me a grave, and I can't push the grave away
But I tried to shove it anyway and my love got in the way
And now I've gone to waste, there's a place inside my mind
Where I can lose my sense of time,
I spend it staring at a grave that should be mine,
What have I done?
Track Name: Bad American Wedding
You can play what you like, it doesn't matter
Just say what you write - working nine to five for your wife means
Playing the actor
If it's alright with you, cause there's nothing better, better, better
That I can imagine or do

You can live how you like, it doesn't matter
You can spend all your time, keep the kids in sight,
Out of mind on our American pastures
The TVs so bright, that screen
Blowin' up the faces of the Presidents only talking to me

She likes short meals and fast cars
He likes to play cool and act smart
It's an unfortunate setting,
It's a bad American wedding

Could you turn down those lights?
Could it be any louder?
Could you clean up those lines?
*Pointing to the ounce of white powder on the bathroom counter*
Tell the help to find my keys
Cause there's nothing better, better, better to do than dry in the breeze

How are you, take my wife cause I can't afford her
No longer a dime, but if you've got my money on your mind,
She's about three quarters
That damn kid of mine can't sleep
He's blowin' up his face and waiting patiently, praying for life on TV

She likes Republican mascots,
He likes bad deals with half-hearts
It's an unfortunate setting,
It's a bad American wedding
Track Name: Everybody's Disappointed, Everybody's Mad (feat. Addie Pray)
Everybody's disappointed, everybody's mad
The world just turns and slowly burns, we never had a chance
I forfeit looks at history books, the ending's always sad
That everybody's disappointed, everybody's mad

Everybody's so imperfect, everybody's trying
We're so, so nice and always right and mostly made of lies
We toss and turn but never learn the art of slowly dying
Oh, but everybody's so imperfect, everybody's trying

A throat full of lies keeps me swinging from heights,
A good voice will get you through
But my voice snaps in time like bad elevator lines,
What the hell am I supposed to do?

Everybody's disappointed, everybody's mad
I state my fears and push to tears when all I want are laughs
If this life's to shake for what we make then you can have it back
Cause everybody's disappointed, everybody's mad
credits